Thursday, April 9, 2009

Introducing Jesse G!

For those of you who follow my other blog, Zeld..In..Da..House!, you know that sometimes I do not update as often as I should. This is because as a scholar and poet, I often find it hard to come up with such art on a regular basis. That's why I'm bringin' in Jesse, as an official Baltimore insider.

Jesse, a scholar and poet from Goucher College, will be reporting first hand on the continued deterioration of the fine city of Baltimore since the formation of the Mariners.

A child prodigy, Jesse was born and raised in Guadeloupe, Columbia. Abandoned as a boy, Jesse had to grow up on his own, and at the age of four was already horing himself out for tacos. As his taco supply grew many, he learned the secrets of the taco, and stared making his own. 74 locations later, Jesse had become a millionaire.

With his wealth and power, Jesse left Columbia to start an epic voyage through the sea. After playing Yellow Submarine on the boat sound system 307 consecutive times, his crew turned hostile, and threw him into the water.

After swimming for days, Jesse landed on a deserted island, which coincidentally was filled with people. Although he vowed never to resort to prostitution again, Jesse was forced into the dangerous lifestyle. He pimped out numerous women, and later became a drug lord as well. However the drug he was dealing was tylenol, and it cured many sicknesses. He was proclaimed a hero, and left the island a rich man once more.

Jesse decided it was not safe to go back to Columbia, and settled in Jerusalem. One day his best friend told him a secret, to which he replied "I must Tel Aviv!". The joke was so bad, that by order of the Prime Minister, he and his children and his children's children were banned from ever coming within 2000 miles of the State of Israel, leaving out any possibility of going to Qatar.

Still rich, Jesse was going to retire in Miami, Florida. But then he heard about the Baltimore Mariners, and grew angry. He noticed the economy had dropped steadily since the Mariners formation in 2007, and unemployment had tripled. Knowing he could not just sit there and watch as the Mariners took the charm out of Charm City, Jesse decided to pursue a degree in Journalism from Goucher College, and somehow, against all odds, try to find a way to bring down the empire that is the Baltimore Mariners.

With that I hnad the next post off to Jesse. May his vast knowledge and life experiences make this blog the greatest of all time. And who knows, maybe for the right price he will show you what he did on the streets of Guadeloupe when he was only four.

1 comment:

  1. The word is "whoring" not "horing" you shit-stain. If you were from Baltimore, you would know about whores. Wait a minute...

    ReplyDelete