Monday, April 27, 2009

COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR SILENCED BY STD

Baltimore Mariners Lose Ability to Communicate Due to Syphilis Outbreak
***A Post by Mr. X***

If I had to create a list of things Baltimore is famous for, The Inner Harbor would rank third, steamed Chesapeake Blue Crabs would rank second, and the headliner would have to be that pesky sexually transmitted disease known as Syphilis. The dreaded disease hit especially close to home for the Baltimore Mariners of the American Indoor Football Association (AIFA). For those who are unfamiliar with the AIFA, which according to the attendance records of the Baltimore Mariners, are more than ninety percent of the Greater Baltimore area, it is a fourteen team professional indoor football league, and is regarded as the lowest rung of professional sports. Don’t believe me? More people in the Baltimore area have watched curling in the winter Olympic Games than have seen a Baltimore Mariners game. That is an impressive feat, seeing as the winter Olympic Games are only on once every four years. That’s right folks. A game involving stones and brooms is more entertaining than indoor football in the city of Baltimore.

The Baltimore Mariners have recently lost one of their own, when Dave Harrington, the communications director for the fledging AIFA franchise was forced into early retirement by an outbreak of that ol’ Baltimore burn. “It was a most difficult decision to make” Said Harrington. “I enjoyed my time with the team, but I found it difficult to perform my job while suffering from penile discharge and painful urination.” He added. And painful urination it was. Head Coach Chris Simpson reports that on several occasions, he would hear Harrington weeping in the men’s restroom. “It was bad at times. Dave would walk into the bathroom to pee, where after a few seconds in there, the entire floor would hear his caterwauling. He sounded a lot like Yoko Ono. It was scary and impressive at the same time.”

“I tried to make a go of it. I tried to work through the pain of a dripping penis, but honestly, I simply do not have what it takes. I feel like I have let so many people down; people within the organization, the players, and all the fans of Baltimore Mariners football. I feel like I owe all forty of them a great big apology” said Harrington. When asked about how he contracted the disease, he said “It could be from various places; most notably public toilet seats, or eating under-cooked beef, or certain brands of hand lotions, or I suppose it could come from banging hookers without using a bag. Really, it could have been from virtually anywhere.”

It is not clear when the Baltimore Mariners will backfill the vacancy left by Harrington, or who will fill the position. One thing is certain though; if the Mariners want to stop the revolving door of personnel, they need to perform better screening procedures on prospective staff. This team can not afford to be made to look like a bunch of disease riddled sexual deviants. Oops. Too Late.

-Mr. X

2 comments:

  1. Very moving. I wish him the best of luck. Having suffered from Syphilis myself, it is by far the worst of the STD's I have ever had. Genital warts come in a close second.

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  2. too bad the hands are really of the writers and its a story about himself. He must of been beaten up as a kid, or taken advantage of by a dog so he is ticked off

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