Monday, July 6, 2009

Mariners Lose! Mariners Lose!

Pop the champagne! The Baltimore Mariners have been eliminated from postseason contention after a 50-20 loss last Thursday against the Reading Express (the same Reading Express team that only beat the DC Armor by 16). With the loss, the city of Baltimore, and the United States as a whole, can start to rebuild.

"The Mariners postseason run had a disastrous effect all over the world," said President Barack Obama. "Through perseverance and dedication, we can start to put politics aside and work together to make the world a better place."

Arizona Senator John McCain agreed. "I have spent years reaching across the aisle and would love to work with President Obama to stop this disaster. I may be a maverick, but one thing that will never changed is my hatred of the Baltimore Mariners."

Morale was at an all time low across the world before Thursday. In Iran, protesters filled the streets and riots caused many deaths of innocent civilians. And if it couldn't get any worse, Honduras experienced it's first coup d'├ętat since 1955.

But this was no match for the effects felt in the United States. Outside Neverland-Ranch in Santa Barbara County, California, thousands of mourners gathered to share the pain the felt at the Mariners success. In addition, all OxyClean ads were pulled from the airwaves, and the Discovery Channel original series "Pitchmen" was abruptly cancelled.

But with the Mariners loss, Americans everywhere started to rebuild. On Saturday July 4, fireworks were launched across the country in celebration and a concert was held on the National Mall with stars such as Aretha Franklin performing. It appears as if the Mariners will be back for 2010, but until then, we can celebrate, and maybe, just maybe, watch some real football in September.

Friday, June 5, 2009

A Rematch, and Another Chance at Peace

Tomorrow will be the second ever meeting between the DC Armor and the hated Baltimore Mariners. However, it will also be a meeting between Armor Nation and the Mariner Maniacs. But after last weekends events, this meeting will not be a one of conflict, but of peace.

After a disturbance that has been in effect for over two months, great steps have been made to end the conflict between the two groups of AIFA fans. Our people have been hostile towards each other for too long now, and it is time to put past differences aside.

As an agent of change, I decided to meet the Mariners without pre-conditions. Although I was advised against it, the move paid off well. Fully decked out in armor (get it? get it?), four of my closest allies and I ventured into unknown territory. I was greeted with a warm welcome, and shared beverages with two of the Maniacs top officials, one of whom was the vice president and author of my rival blog, ftheclown.blogspot.com. All seemed to be going well, then disaster struck.

It was time to meet the President, Mr. Ed himself. I went to shake his hand, but he pulled away. He did not want peace, but instead to keep the conflict going for political gain. I was shocked. I always considered Mr. Ed to be a bit of a father figure in my life, but instead he acted as if we had no business together. However, the worst was yet to come.

An unknown Mariner Maniac cursed me out while his son cheered him along. I had to do all I could to fight back tears, but his breath smelled so much of onion the I couldn't help myself. Then, like the red sea itself, the Mariner Maniacs divided in two: those who wanted to talk peace, and those who wanted nothing to do with me. What had I done!?

The game went on as planned. We painted out chests are cheered hard for the Armor. Meanwhile, we engaged in some friendly back-and-forth trash talking with our new found Mariner Maniac buddies. After a hard fought victory, we met in the parking lot after the game to say goodbye and exchange contact information with our new friends for life. However, peace still has yet to be reached with Mr. Ed and the rest of the Mariner Maniacs.

I hope tomorrow we can put this all behind us. Win or loose, this should be a great rivalry for years to come. I will always hate the Mariners, but maybe, I can love the Mariner Maniacs. It's up to you now.
Friends!

Monday, June 1, 2009

Armor Score 25 Points!

What did I tell you? Saturday's same against the hated Mariners was a outstanding success! The Armor scored 25 points in a game that was dominated from start to finish. RB James Gibson rushed for two touchdowns and K Ben Aguilar kicked a booming 45 yard field goal to lead the Armor to their best performance against the Mariners to date.


Mariners QB EJ Nemeth was running for his life all day, being sacked two times in the process.

"I didn't think it would be such a blowout," said Nemeth. "You come into every game thinking you can win if you make big plays. Hopefully that mentality will work for us next week."

Due to circumstances beyond their control it may be too little, to late to advance to the AIFA playoffs, even with the Armor's outstanding performance. However, Head Coach Daniel James was encouraged by what he saw.

"We scored 25 Points. That's seven more than 18, and six less than 31. It's also divisible by five."

A fourth grade math teacher by day, James often shows off his exceptional math skills.

"If we can find ways to score more points then the other team, then we're going to win. Unless we get disqualified for some reason, then we could loose. Loosing is bad."

The Armor and Mariners will face each other again this Saturday. Tickets are already sold out, but fans are encouraged to buy from scalpers. One things for sure, this weeks game will be HOT HOT HOT. I'm not lying, the Armory doesn't have air conditioning.

Friday, May 29, 2009

A Quarterback Showdown!

It is the last day before the big game, and often times the winners are determined by the quarterbacks. Just like when Tom Brady plays Peyton Manning, or Steve Young played Troy Aikman, this is sure to be a shootout. EJ Nemeth will be under-center for the Mariners, and Terry Chisley will be taking the righns for the Armor.

A product of Sacred Heart University, Nemeth has played in the world of indoor football for a number of years. In 2008 he split time in the Intense Football League (yes, that was actually a real league) between the Alaska Wild and the San Angelo Stampede Express. He was cut from the SASE mid way through the season, and signed with the Wild, where he helped lead them to a 5-9 season, which was good enough to be second worst in the league. He was cut immediately after the season.

Terry Chisley's past is unknown. It appears as if he never played college football, and if he did it is not recorded anywhere on the Internet. However, he may or may not have once been an exotic dancer, who performed under the name Silk. Whereas Nemeth was learning how the be a terrible quarterback in Alaska, Chisley was learning vital footwork and and how to move around in the backfield. It also appears Chisley played tennis at one point.

Finally, the Mariner Maniacs have updated their Facebook group for the big game. The news section reads "Next Home Game May30at 7pm vs D.C. Armour. Come on Baltimmore (sic) help the Baltimore Mariners TAKE YOUR RESPECT." It seems as if coherent sentences still baffle the Mariner Maniacs. Firstly, Armor is spelled wrong. Armor can be spelled with a 'u', if you live in England, but the DC Armor spell their names the American way, cause last I checked, they were based in America. Secondly, they spelled Baltimore wrong. Thirdly, TAKE YOUR RESPECT doesn't make sense. Since they failed to include a period, take your respect in this context applies to the Mariners stripping the residents of Baltimore of their own self respect. So essentially, they are asking the people of Baltimore to watch the game so they can suffer physiological damage.

I hope you Mariner fans have had as much fun reading this over the past two months as I have had writing it. On behalf of myself, Jesse, and Mr. X, we wish you good luck in coping with tomorrow's loss. If there's one thing Terry Chisley knows, it's how to put on a good show.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Redskins-Ravens, Nationals-Orioles, ARMOR-MARINERS

It is only three days until the big game, and that means a new battle of the beltways. But unlike the Nationals-Orioles rivalry, which is primarily about television rights, this is about pride. Which is the better city? DC or Baltimore? Well obviously DC, but which city is better at indoor football? That is the big question nobody's minds.

Instead, the fine citizens of Baltimore are outraged at the city's leash laws. According the the Baltimore Sun, citizens of Baltimore are upset "at the recent jump in fines for dogs caught off-leash - from $100 to $1,000." Citizens took the the streets in protest, and "After a hearing [in front of the city council] that lasted more than three hours, drew about 50 people and was dominated by those who wanted the fine lowered, the council's legislative committee voted to change the leash law's $1,000 fine to a staggered penalty system. " We can now rank the Mariners on Baltimore resident's priority list:

1. The Ravens
2. The Orioles
3. The Inner Harbor
4. Blue Crabs
5. Pollution Plants
6. Prostitution
7. Cocaine
8. The Recession
9. 99 cent/cash-checked stores
10. The Blast (indoor soccer)
11. Dog Leashes
12. The Mariners

Expect them to fall even lower this weekend in what is sure to be the biggest blowout of the season. Go Armor!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

More Identify Theft

The Mariners' name is not the only thing that was stolen. Their lack of originality and criminal tendencies continue to manifest themselves in their selection of jerseys. Some consider them to be one of the best in the AIFA. Well, yeah, they are the best if you are a fan of flinching!

Don't believe me. Take a look for yourself:









That's right. The St. Louis Rams are the next victim of the Mariners reckless disregard for the law.

What confuses me however, is why the Mariners would choose to steal from two of worst franchises in pro sport over the past two seasons. In 2008, The Rams went 2-12 and the Mariners went 61-101. However, many of those losses can be attributed to the respected teams suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.

Even more confusing, is that in the NFL and MLB there are so many teams with great histories. Why would they choose from two of the worst? Why not be the Baltimore Yankees, and have jerseys that look like the Patriots? Picking the Rams and the Mariners is the equivalent of breaking into a Wal-Mart, and stealing a waffle-maker and a grocery bag.

The Armor on the other hand have very stylish uniforms, which are 100% original.

The black goes so well, with, umm, the black. Furthermore, the Armor pay homage to the original days of football, when there were no names on the back of the jerseys, and the players had to share helmets.

So in conclusion, the Mariners suck and the Armor is great. It's only four days till kickoff, but who knows what else the Mariners will steal? Maybe they'll steal the Armor's ingenious business model of charging 20 dollars a ticket, and playing in a venue without air conditioning or clean bathrooms. Or maybe they'll just find another way to finish in the cellar of the division and miss out on a chance to play in the prestigious AIFA Bowl.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Countdown to Mariners Vs Armor: Five Days!

So the year's biggest moment in sports is nearly upon us. No, I'm not talking about the NBA or Stanley Cup Finals, nor am I talking about the Royals' 49th game of the season. This weekend Baltimore sports fans will be thinking about one thing: Ravens season is only three months away. But for the Mariner Maniacs, myself, and the seven other fans of the AIFA, we are counting down the days to the first ever meeting between the DC Armor and the Baltimore Mariners, or as I like to call it, "The Battle of the Irrelevants."

As many of you know, writing often times can be difficult. To come up with words so poetic on a regular basis is a task only few can achieve. That's why for inspiration I looked to the Baltimore Sun and the Washington Post to see what they were saying about the game. Sadly I found nothing. Apparently they devote space to real news.

However, in the small small world of the AIFA, this is the biggest thing to happen since the announcement of a expansion team in Trenton, NJ. A new rivalry will be formed between two cities both rich in history and beauty (well, at least one is). Abraham Lincoln once said "The best way to defeat an enemy is to make him your friend." But with all due respect to Lincoln, there is a better way. Beat them in a game of hard hitting, fast-paced, family friendly, indoor football.

Everyday until the big game, I will be previewing a different element of this historic match up, as no other media source is. The game might be played in Baltimore, but the home field advantage will be with the Armor. We're coming for you Mariners, and don't think any one of your numerous fan clubs can stop us.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Update on the Mariner Maniacs

Well, it seems as if the Mariner Maniacs have once again changed their home page, in an attempt to recruit more members. Here's what they're advertising:

"For the low low price of $25 (annual dues), you will be part of the Mariner Maniacs Fan Club. The only Mariner fan club recognized by the Team.

"
What!? The only fan club? That's impossible to believe! You're telling me of all the Marnier fan clubs in the world, they only recognize one? That's really not fair to the many nonexistent fan clubs out there. I mean, it's not their fault they follow relevant teams. Also, I'm glad they specified that the $25 dollars were for annual dues, I thought they were simply going to stick paste on it, and use it to make a paper mache elephant.

"You will receive a window decal to show your membership off and show you are a top supporter of the Baltimore Mariners Team."

That's exactly what I wanted! Now, all my friends can ask me "Who are the Mariners?" Then when I respond, I can watch as they do one of three things: roll their eyes, raise an eyebrow, or simply laugh and walk away. It'll be just like high school all over again! But hey, it'll go well with my ASSMAN license plate.

"You will be first in line for specials such as road trips to away games and more."

I'm sure there's a HUGE line to travel to Florence, SC to watch the Mariners take on the Phantoms. By the looks of this picture, it seems tickets are impossible to get!


"You will receive the hottest t-shirt in the Arena. The Mariner Maniacs Shirt."

Again, thank you for specifying. I was guessing that I would be receiving this shirt in the mail:

Sadly I was mistaken.

"You will have access to any special parties thrown by the club."

Now, I dunno if I could handle any party thrown by the Mariner Manicas. I mean I do go to Playboy's number one party school in the nation, but those just don't compare to the Mariner
Maniacs. Here are a few snapshots taken by Mr. X:












Now, if they paid me, maybe I would consider maybe joining. MAYBE. But for $25 dollars, here's a few things I would rather do:

Buy 25 boxes of orange Tic-Tacs
Buy ointment for my toe...not because I have an infection, but to prevent one
Donate it to Hamas
Let Bernie Madoff invest it
Buy Eliot Spitzer a hooker, who gives it all up for $10.76
Use it to study parrot fossils
Stick paste on it, and use it to make a paper mache elephant
Go to a Seattle Mariners Game
buy a pound of honey , bathe in it, then go to a bee farm
buy 1/100 of a cello

So I don't think I will join the Mariner Maniacs any time soon. My loyalty is still with the DC Armor, even if it means I can't take trips to places like Fayatteville, NC and Greenville, SC. Instead, I might just go take a tour of the Capitol Bulding or buy front row tickets on May 30th, when the Armor kick the Mariners' asses back to the seven seas.

Monday, April 27, 2009

COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR SILENCED BY STD

Baltimore Mariners Lose Ability to Communicate Due to Syphilis Outbreak
***A Post by Mr. X***

If I had to create a list of things Baltimore is famous for, The Inner Harbor would rank third, steamed Chesapeake Blue Crabs would rank second, and the headliner would have to be that pesky sexually transmitted disease known as Syphilis. The dreaded disease hit especially close to home for the Baltimore Mariners of the American Indoor Football Association (AIFA). For those who are unfamiliar with the AIFA, which according to the attendance records of the Baltimore Mariners, are more than ninety percent of the Greater Baltimore area, it is a fourteen team professional indoor football league, and is regarded as the lowest rung of professional sports. Don’t believe me? More people in the Baltimore area have watched curling in the winter Olympic Games than have seen a Baltimore Mariners game. That is an impressive feat, seeing as the winter Olympic Games are only on once every four years. That’s right folks. A game involving stones and brooms is more entertaining than indoor football in the city of Baltimore.

The Baltimore Mariners have recently lost one of their own, when Dave Harrington, the communications director for the fledging AIFA franchise was forced into early retirement by an outbreak of that ol’ Baltimore burn. “It was a most difficult decision to make” Said Harrington. “I enjoyed my time with the team, but I found it difficult to perform my job while suffering from penile discharge and painful urination.” He added. And painful urination it was. Head Coach Chris Simpson reports that on several occasions, he would hear Harrington weeping in the men’s restroom. “It was bad at times. Dave would walk into the bathroom to pee, where after a few seconds in there, the entire floor would hear his caterwauling. He sounded a lot like Yoko Ono. It was scary and impressive at the same time.”

“I tried to make a go of it. I tried to work through the pain of a dripping penis, but honestly, I simply do not have what it takes. I feel like I have let so many people down; people within the organization, the players, and all the fans of Baltimore Mariners football. I feel like I owe all forty of them a great big apology” said Harrington. When asked about how he contracted the disease, he said “It could be from various places; most notably public toilet seats, or eating under-cooked beef, or certain brands of hand lotions, or I suppose it could come from banging hookers without using a bag. Really, it could have been from virtually anywhere.”

It is not clear when the Baltimore Mariners will backfill the vacancy left by Harrington, or who will fill the position. One thing is certain though; if the Mariners want to stop the revolving door of personnel, they need to perform better screening procedures on prospective staff. This team can not afford to be made to look like a bunch of disease riddled sexual deviants. Oops. Too Late.

-Mr. X

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Why Baltimore (Doesn't) Need Indoor Football

As I begin to dig deeper into the long and storied history of the Mariners, I stumbled up an article titled "Why Baltimore Needs Indoor Football." It was a fascinating read, but factually inaccurate.

The Article explains that Baltimore needs indoor football because the city needs "Exciting, fast paced, high scoring, hard-hitting professional football." No, what Baltimore needs is a stable economy and a homicide rate that isn't second in the nation

Next, the article goes on to say that the players, if you can call them that, are our hometown heroes, our weekend warriors. I think they need to redefine what it means to be a hero. Examples:
Hero:
Not a Hero:












Hero:
Not a Hero:












And finally, the article wraps up by saying these are the guys you followed from Pop Warner. I dunno bout ya'll, but I personally do not nor will I ever will follow strangers playing Pop Warner football. If these are the fans who follow the Mariners, I don't think I would bring my child to a game.

The Mariner's next game is Friday, April 24 against the Florence Phantoms. Free Trenchcoats and sungless will be given to the first 1,500 fans in attendance. And at halftime, all children in attendance are invited to play in the special "Mariner Fun Cave," a clothing-optional, interactive play area. Candy will be provided.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Mariners Win, Southeast Baltimore Resident Stabbed

Shortly after the Mariners cheated and beat the Reading Express 40-36, a murder was reported in the greater Baltimore region, according to the Baltimore Sun.

"City police said they were investigating the fatal stabbing of a man about 2:40 a.m. at Clinton Street and Fairmount Avenue in Southeast Baltimore."

This happened only a mere five hours after the Mariners beat the Express. After the game Express fan RaShaun Furgeson expressed (get it?) his anger.

"How the fuck do you expect the Express to win after the Mariners take out throwing knives, and kill seven of our best players? It's impossible!"

RaShaun indeed spoke the truth. Shortly into the first quarter, the Mariners attacked the Express, including several small children in the audience. AIFA owner John Morris apologized for the incident.

"We're going to have to reevaluate the rule book. Right now throwing knives only merit a fifteen yard penalty, and a loss of down. There is no penalty for killing children."

After that, the Express were without both quarterbacks, but still managed to only loose by four.
As word spread to Baltimore, riots all over the city ensued, one of led to the fatal stabbing.

"This happens every time the Mariners win," commented Chief of Police James Johnson. "This city cannot stand to have anymore public money spent on building the Mariners that 1.5 billion dollar, 80,000 seat stadium. They only draw a few hundred fans a game."

The victims family understands the tough economic times, and is prepared to pardon the stabber.

"Next time, he shouldn't stab my son," said the victim's father. "I'm lucky I have seven more."

A plethora of sons however was not enough to prevent the father from taking out his anger on the Mariners.

"Who are the Mariners? What the hell is indoor football?"

The Mariners next game is on April 24, at home against the Florence Phantoms. In response the Mariners controversial win, the AIFA rule book has been changed to ban throwing knives, as well as swords, switchblades, and well-sharpened pencils. The Mariners are currently looking into purchasing firearms.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Identity Theft

The Seattle Mariners have gone through dips and dives in their 44-years in the MLB. In 1995, the Mariners made the American League Championship Series for the first time in their history. In 1996, the Mariners had one of the most formidable offensive lineups seen in the past few years, with upcoming superstars such as pre-injury prone Ken Griffey Jr. and pre-steroid Alex Rodriguez, as well as veterans like Jay Buhner, Brett Boone, and the ever-consistent DH, Edgar Martinez, but could not advance into the playoffs, due to lack of pitching. In 2001, with the acquisition of Japanese superstar Ichiro Suzuki, the team won an American League record, 116 games. Their last winning season was in 2007. And then came Baltimore…

In 2008, the Seattle Mariners had high hopes. But I knew otherwise. There was devilry going on here. In Batlimore, a new franchise was being set up for the AIFA, and they were going to be called the Baltimore Mariners. It blows my fucking mind how RUDE this was. Stealing money is one thing….stealing a team name is just plain insulting. 2008 will always go down in history as the year the Mariners were fucked over by the Mariners. The Seattle version of the Mariners (aka the better version) dropped 27 games from their previous season. They had one of the worst offenses in the league, and had the second worst record in baseball, to the lowly Washington Nationals.

The Baltimore Mariners headed into their PRECIOUS opening game with high hopes to be a great franchise in the AIFA. Now I’ve never been a man who believes in that thing called fate or that other dumb shit called car-muh, but…this is a pretty big coincidence. With two teams having to share the SAME name (I cannot get over how absurd this is), it’s obvious that neither of the teams could do well. So with the better version of the Mariners losing, the shitty version (aka the Baltimore Mariners) also sucked. They won an astounding total of four games out of fourteen. The 2008 roster was also plagued with terrible players. They had one quarterback named Dixie Wooten…having a former porn start on your team is just a bad idea. Their main wide receiver’s name? Richard Johnson…his name translates into Dick Penis. Are you fucking joking me? This man was obviously a mistake. They also had a Jew on their team. EVERYONE knows Jews can’t play football; they just stick to following baseball, and honoring Sandy Koufax every Friday night.


The Baltimore Mariners are fucked up for many reasons. They are in the lowest form of “professional” football, they stole the name AND logo of the Seattle Mariners, and they have a dick penis, a porn star, and a Jew on their team. I’m not sure who thought starting this team was a good idea, but when I find out…the result will not be pretty.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Introducing Jesse G!

For those of you who follow my other blog, Zeld..In..Da..House!, you know that sometimes I do not update as often as I should. This is because as a scholar and poet, I often find it hard to come up with such art on a regular basis. That's why I'm bringin' in Jesse, as an official Baltimore insider.

Jesse, a scholar and poet from Goucher College, will be reporting first hand on the continued deterioration of the fine city of Baltimore since the formation of the Mariners.

A child prodigy, Jesse was born and raised in Guadeloupe, Columbia. Abandoned as a boy, Jesse had to grow up on his own, and at the age of four was already horing himself out for tacos. As his taco supply grew many, he learned the secrets of the taco, and stared making his own. 74 locations later, Jesse had become a millionaire.

With his wealth and power, Jesse left Columbia to start an epic voyage through the sea. After playing Yellow Submarine on the boat sound system 307 consecutive times, his crew turned hostile, and threw him into the water.

After swimming for days, Jesse landed on a deserted island, which coincidentally was filled with people. Although he vowed never to resort to prostitution again, Jesse was forced into the dangerous lifestyle. He pimped out numerous women, and later became a drug lord as well. However the drug he was dealing was tylenol, and it cured many sicknesses. He was proclaimed a hero, and left the island a rich man once more.

Jesse decided it was not safe to go back to Columbia, and settled in Jerusalem. One day his best friend told him a secret, to which he replied "I must Tel Aviv!". The joke was so bad, that by order of the Prime Minister, he and his children and his children's children were banned from ever coming within 2000 miles of the State of Israel, leaving out any possibility of going to Qatar.

Still rich, Jesse was going to retire in Miami, Florida. But then he heard about the Baltimore Mariners, and grew angry. He noticed the economy had dropped steadily since the Mariners formation in 2007, and unemployment had tripled. Knowing he could not just sit there and watch as the Mariners took the charm out of Charm City, Jesse decided to pursue a degree in Journalism from Goucher College, and somehow, against all odds, try to find a way to bring down the empire that is the Baltimore Mariners.

With that I hnad the next post off to Jesse. May his vast knowledge and life experiences make this blog the greatest of all time. And who knows, maybe for the right price he will show you what he did on the streets of Guadeloupe when he was only four.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Columbus Lions Rape Mariners, Win 82-19

The Baltimore Mariners hit a new low Saturday night, loosing to the Columbus Lions by 63 points. The loss is the second in a row for the Mariners, who dropped to 2-2.

"I've never seen such a shitty football team in my whole life," remarked Lions defensive back Ramone Nickerson. "It was like playing a bunch of retards with icy-hot down their pants."

The Lions improved to 3-1, but team owner Keith Norred does not consider it to be a game.

"I hate these guaranteed wins. How could anyone possibly take the AIFA seriously as long as the Mariners are in the league?"

The Lions took an early 36-2 lead. Things got worse for the Mariners when head coach Chris Simpson striped naked, and started doing a tribal rain dance at midfield.

"I thought it would pump the team up," said a confused Simpson. "I was wrong."

The Lions never looked back, literally, and walked away with a win. Seven hours after the conclusion of the game, Ramone Nickerson still continued to rant.

"My cousin is autistic. My mother is autistic. My dog is autistic. My garden hose is autistic. They have their own football team.
We scrimmaged them last week and only beat them 70-24."

The Mariners next game is April 18th against the Reading Express. Tickets are on sale, but please be advised Simpson still has not located his pants, and will continue his dances until the Mariners win.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Who Are The Mariners? And Why Do I Hate Them?

For those of you who don't know, the Baltimore Mariners are a team in the American Indoor Football Association. What the hell is that you ask? It's the lowest level of pro football in the United States. And one of the worst teams in that league is the Mariners. Last year they finished an abysmal 4-10 in their inaugural season, and now they're back to continue to suck it up. But the reason I hate them the most? Well there are two. The first is I am a diehard fan of the DC Armor, Washington's expansion franchise and arch-rival of the Mariners. The second is because of their shitty-ass fanclub, the Mariner Maniacs, but we'll get into that later.

The Baltimore Mariners play at First Mariner Arena in downtown Baltimore. The arena was named first, after First Mariner bank. This team is so shitty, that they actually named themselves after the arena they play in. The DC Armor would never do such a thing. They named themselves after the DC Armory, the arena they just happen to play in. It's a complete coincidence.

But let's get onto the Mariner Maniacs. Taking a look at their website, their homepage boasts the message "The Maniacs are very proud to announce that the Executive Board members are all in place and they are all geared up and are ready for some FOOTBALL!" Firstly I've never seen the word "are" used four times in a sentence. Also, the capitalization of the word football is completely unnecessary.

The second sentence reads, "Stay tuned for some upcoming news from our President, Mr. Ed as we being the "2009" season and it promises to be a good one. " Hang on a sec. Their president is named Mr. Ed? That's not a last name. And I don't know his first name, but I bet it's Eugene. And also, why is 2009 in quotes?

The last sentence reads, "If you thought the "2008" season was something, you ain't seen nothing yet!" Firstly I don't think anyone thought it was something. It was actually the exact "definition" of "nothing."

Now, I really want to know what the Mariner Maniacs discuss at these meetings. Whether it's possible to spend their time following a less relevant team?

Now take a look at them in action:









Whooaa! That only reminds me of one thing!









Only two times in history have such important topics been addressed!

Now, some of you may remember I had a brief fascination with a similar team called the Chesapeake Tide of the Continental Indoor Football League. I want to say that one, it was an obsession. And two, the Tide were VERY relevant. The 200 Upper Marlborians in attendance on a regular basis really didn't have much excitement in their life, and the Tide took them out of that world of heartbreak and broken dreams.

So in conclusion, Eugene Ed should really find something more worthy to do in his spare time. And as for the Mariners, I can't wait to see them get destroyed by the DC Armor on May 30, June 6, and June 27. Until then, stay posted for more news on the worst team in the history o professional sport.